im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
