Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
