woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
