I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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