Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
