Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
