Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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