I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
