Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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