I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
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are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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