how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
