i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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