I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
