Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
