Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
