Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
