i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
