you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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