its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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