sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
