Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it's great music for shaving your balls
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
