Define "chronic" masturbator.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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