census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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