guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
