i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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