in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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