does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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