this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.