So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow