Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.