I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!