I wish I only lived at night.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??