my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
