her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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