yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
