Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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