please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't turn off my feet"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
