my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
