stop calling my apartment porn island.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
