please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
