I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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