so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
