dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
