you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i think i just lost a toe
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
