I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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