Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
