i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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