There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
