Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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