No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
