Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
