god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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