Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk is a universal language darling
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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