I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's the barista slut.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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