worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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