"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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