I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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